I had just finished university and was waiting to start my new graduate role in a few weeks time, when I decided to fly to Germany with my uncle who was visiting us in London on his summer holidays. I spent a week in Germany as a small holiday with my uncle, and one day he was visiting the University of Duisburg-Essen for a work meeting and I tagged along to Essen to have a look around.

Apart from the stunning brutalist architecture, there was one moment in Essen which really stuck with me. I remember walking to the train station and my eyes fell upon the a particular person, his being is etched in my memory. I can only describe him as the accumulation of despair, neglect, and self hatred. His entire face drooped quite badly, he was completely unkempt, his eyes and skin were a tinge of yellow, his teeth rotten and brown. Surrounded him were empty cans of cheap alcohol which he repeatedly swigged between cigarette puffs as he coughed his lungs out. In his eyes was a divine emptiness, the person that was once him no longer existed. Needless to say he was in a bad way both physically and mentally.

Reflecting on this years later, I’ve asked myself: “What has happened to him that pushed him in making the decisions which have led up to here?” Upon reflection its evident that he has taken these decisions to escape from something that has deeply affected him. My heart goes out to the man, 10 years on I wonder what has happened to him.

I suspect there was a tipping point where he went from a content young man to representation of misery when I saw him all those years ago, and it probably was not an overnight change. It was a series of decisions, each made to escape from the issues or the pain that consumed him, little by little each decision wore him down as the spiral continued downwards. It wasn’t that he woke up one day and decided that he was going to go off the rails, this was as a result of not just the first decision, but the continuous decisions made, with each one growing in impact. As he descended into the darkness, the decisions which he himself could make to turn around, see the light, and escape the spiral faded. The decisions to escape the spiral are still there sitting in a dark corner dimly glowing, waiting to be seen. But they are buried behind the endless hordes of the bad decisions which are at the forefront of his mind, surrounding him, burning brightly, as they control his thoughts.

The choice to change is always there, but you have to be brave enough to wade through the screaming hordes, willing to fight the noise, and the pain to make the change. It is never easy, but the power lies in taking the first step. If you take the first step, the next one becomes less difficult, and the one after that becomes easier, and the ones after that become easier with each step until you find yourself running. But be warned you will fail, you will fall off the path repeatedly, and it is up to you to get back up and keep moving in the right direction.

Until next time

Faz